Given that we are unable to gather in person to remember my brother John, it is hard to convey the wonderful person he was and all he did for me. Johnny was my big brother, who went before me and made a way for me. Johnny was also my best friend. And though he was mentally retarded from birth, more than anyone else, he was my best teacher.
My brother John, perhaps more than anyone I know, was dealt a very difficult hand in life. Right from the very start Johnny struggled tremendously. During Johnny’s physical birth he experienced a prolonged lack of oxygen resulting in his mental retardation. While our parents suffered great personal anguish, they loved him, and as evident from pictures of his childhood, he blossomed into a very sweet and gentle boy and teen. Our mom, lovingly cared for him and worked tirelessly to make sure he was given a gentle and appropriate education and as good a life as possible. Growing up Johnny and I roomed together and played together. Though it was a long time ago I recall he was always patient and forgiving and willing to be with me during whatever mischief I was into. Johnny and I spent most of our childhood and teen days playing catch and cards and checkers, which he had an uncanny knack for. Johnny and I also spent a good bit of time going on drives in the country with our dad and helping him fix our old cars. Johnny loved the NY Yankees and like our father he had an amazing sense of direction, as well as a laudable boldness to jump into negotiating the price of any meal or purchase.
Tragically, beyond the obvious “fingerprints of God” so very evident in his beautiful smile and gentle and contrite spirit, perhaps the most significant aspect of Johnny’s life was how much he struggled and suffered. All I think he ever wanted was to be respected, and loved, listened to and affirmed, and hear someone say they “were proud” of him.
Throughout much of Johnny’s teen and adult year, people often stared at him and occasionally called him names and made fun of him. Despite our family’s best efforts to protect and defend him, I know these humiliations were internalized, accumulated and eventually affected him deeply, leaving an indelible insecurity, anxiousness and difficulty fitting in.
Sadly, tragically, on top of all that, there was much conflict in our parent’s marriage and it boiled over and affected Johnny and me and our sister Miriam. When Johnny was in his early 30s, given the growing frequency of arguments in our home, we thought it best to move Johnny to an independent living program. While Johnny was a good worker and employee for many years, living alone, and the toll of occasional humiliations continued to mount, leaving Johnny feeling betrayed and distrustful of almost everyone. We eventually moved Johnny to a group home where he could share the company of others and staff. His living situation was often better with staff that graciously cared for him, taking him to his favorite spot, Burger King, and laughing with him over his many little quirks and stories. Day program staff also patiently nurtured and cared for Johnny for many years. Johnny’s insecurities however often seeded tensions that robbed him of peace or joy for more days than any of us could endure counting.
Perhaps one the best ways I can honor my brother is to pass along two lessons I learned from him. During two memorable mornings when I was visiting him, sharing breakfast sandwiches on a bench outside, I recall Johnny complaining about concerns he had. Despite my best efforts to ease his fears, and begging him to enjoy a beautiful morning, good food, and the brief time we had together, he continued to obsess about things that were non-issues. I’d travelled a long way to see him, and as his guardian I was always out ahead of him, working with various staff to make a good way for him, but he refused to believe it. These incidents reminded me of my relationship with my heavenly Father. He is always giving me good food, His presence, and is out in front of me making a good way for me. Yet I am often anxious and obsess about things He’s already taken care of. Unbeknownst to Johnny, he was teaching me how much I would miss when I refuse to trust God and that He has already made a good way forward for me.
Another aspect of Johnny’s life that taught me much was how kind the vast majority of people are. While Johnny could be very argumentative and challenging to work with, staff were often very patient and kind to him, and it was clear that gave him some temporary rest for his soul. Also striking was how kind and patient the vast majority of people in public were with him. Johnny lived in New York City and New Jersey all of his life, and for decades every time I visited him I would take him out to a favorite diner for breakfast. While New Yorkers and east coast metro area folks are often portrayed as being pushy, their treatment of Johnny was often very kind and patient. Like most of us, Johnny was quick to recognize and take to heart a disparaging look, but slow to give appropriate weight to the kindnesses extended to him. Johnny often didn’t notice these kindnesses, but I did, and the goodness and compassion I witnessed in people always inspired me and gave me hope.
Spiritually, Johnny with the rest of our family, grew up in the Armenian Apostolic Church. Throughout his independent living days Johnny attended various Catholic and Protestant churches. Though many were very kind to him, they were often unable to overcome his deep seated self-consciousness and fears, and he eventually retreated into watching church on TV. I have no doubt that Johnny believed in Jesus Christ as much as he was capable of. Amalgamated with the truth of Christ’s rescue of Johnny lie one overarching truth of Johnny’s life and eternal destiny: “To whom little is given little is required.”
Johnny was loved. And he had a family, that loved him, but the wounds he experience throughout his life, left him so scared, and so anxious and distrustful that it became increasingly difficult for him to recognize and absorb that love.
Johnny I thank you for always being my big brother, for going before me and making a way for me, and teaching me more than you’ll ever know. We will never forget how hard, how very hard, you fought, and struggled, to find your place in this world and a little dignity. Your ability to endure so much pain strengthens me and sets before an example to continue to press forward.
Now to Jesus Christ, who made the ultimate and unbreakable way for you, and all of us, I thank you Jesus. Rest in peace Johnny. I know, without a shadow of doubt that you are finally in a really good place, where your struggle is over, you are celebrating with Jesus and the angels, and you are finally living with peace and joy.
I love you and miss you brother, and I always will. Thank you Johnny!